I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
