can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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