I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
