I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
