My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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