If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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