I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
