K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
