I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize