can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
