I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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