I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
and she was petting her beer can
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
