Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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