I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize