she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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