Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
