ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
