wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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