three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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