Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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