Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
whose parrot is this?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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