I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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