This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
