i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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