Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Four minutes until I can fart!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No subtext here. People are naked.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
a search helicopter?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
