you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
