I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
