Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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