how hairy? two words: wookie tits
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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