i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize