I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
