it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
