Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
