Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
