Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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