You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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