I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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