Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
