u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Drake has all the answers
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
