Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
