I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
