I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
