Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
