so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
