remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
