I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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