im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize