Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
