but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
