We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
The maid of honor just puked.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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