All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
