i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
