Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
