Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
