Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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