She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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